“Vice,” said Mr. Dooley, “is a creature of such heejous mien, as Hogan says, that th’ more ye see it th’ betther ye like it. I’d be afraid to enther upon a crusade again vice f’r fear I might prefer it to th’ varchous life iv a rayspictable liqour dealer. But annyhow th’ crusade has started, an’ befure manny months I’ll be lookin’ undher th’ table whin I set down to a peaceful game iv solytaire to see if a polisman in citizens’ clothes ain’t concealed there.

“Th’ city iv Noo York, Hinnissy, sets th’ fashion iv vice an’ starts th’ crusade again it. Thin ivrybody else takes it up. They ’se crusades an’ crusaders in ivry hamlet in th’ land an’ places that is cursed with nawthin’ worse thin pitchin’ horseshoes sinds to th’ neighborin’ big city f’r a case iv vice to suppress, We’re in th’ mist iv a crusade now, an’ there is n’t a polisman in town who is n’t thremblin’ f’r his job.

“As a people, Hinnissy, we’re th’ greatest crusaders that iver was — f’r a short distance. On a quarther mile thrack we can crusade at a rate that wud make Hogan’s frind, Godfrey th’ Bullion look like a crab. But th’ throuble is th’ crusade don’t last afther th’ first sprint. Th’ crusaders drops out iv th’ procission to take a dhrink or put a little money on th’ ace an’ be th’ time th’ end iv th’ line iv march is reached th’ boss crusader is alone in th’ job an’ his former followers is hurlin’ bricks at him fr’m th’ windows iv policy shops. Th’ boss crusader always gets th’ double cross. If I wanted to sind me good name down to th’ ginerations with Cap. Kidd an’ Jesse James I’d lead a movement f’r th’ suppression iv vice. I wud so.

“Ye see, Hinnissy, ’tis this way: th’ la-ads ilicted to office an’ put on th’ polis foorce is in need iv a little loose change, an’ th’ on’y way they can get it is to be negotyatin’ with vice. Tammany can’t raise anny money on th’ churches; it won’t do f’r thim to raid a gints’ furnishin’ sthore f’r keepin’ disorderly neckties in th’ window. They’ve got to get th’ money where it’s comin’ to thim an’ ’tis on’y comin’ to thim where th’ law an’ vile human nature has a sthrangle holt on each other. A polisman goes afther vice as an officer iv th’ law an’ comes away as a philosopher. Th’ theery iv mesilf, Hogan, Croker, an’ other larned men is that vice whin it’s broke is a crime an’ whin it’s got a bank account is a necessity an’ a luxury.

“Well, th’ la-ads goes on usin’ th’ revised statues as a sandbag an’ by an’ by th’ captain iv th’ polis station gets to a pint where his steam yacht bumps into a canoe iv th’ prisidint iv th’ Standard Ile Comp’ny an’ thin there’s th’ divvle to pay. It’s been a dull summer annyhow an’ people ar-re lookin’ f’r a change an’ a little divarsion, an’ somebody who doesn’t raymimber what happened to th’ last man that led a crusade again vice, gets up an’, says he: ‘This here city is a verytable Sodom an’ it must be cleaned out,’ an’ ivrybody takes a broom at it. Th’ churches appints comities an’ so does th’ Stock Exchange an’ th’ Brewers’ Society an’ afther awhile other organizations jumps into th’ fray, as Hogan says. Witnesses is summoned befure th’ comity iv th’ Amalgamated Union iv Shell Wurrukers, th’ S’ciety f’r th’ Privintion iv Good Money, th’ Ancient Ordher iv Send Men, th’ Knights iv th’ Round Table with th’ slit in th’ centhre; an’ Spike McGlue th’ burglar examines thim on vice they have met an’ what ought to be done tow’rd keepin’ th’ polis in nights. Thin th’ man that objects to canary bur-rds in windows, sthreet-music, vivysection, profanity, expensive fun’rals, open sthreet cars an’ other vices, takes a hand an’ ye can hear him as well as th’ others. Vice is th’ on’y thing talked iv at th’ church socyables an’ th’ mothers’ meetin’s; ’tis raysolved be th’ Insomnya Club that now’s th’ time to make a flyin’ wedge again th’ divvlish hurdy gurdy an’ meetin’s are called to burn th’ polis in ile f’r not arrestin’ th’ criminals who sell vigitables at th’ top iv their lungs. Some wan invints an anti-vice cocktail. Lectures is delivered to small bodies iv preachers on how to detect vice so that no wan can palm off countherfeit vice on thim an’ make thim think ’tis good. Th’ polis becomes active an’ whin th’ polis is active ’tis a good time f’r dacint men to wear marredge certy-ficates outside iv their coats. Hanyous monsthers is nailed in th’ act iv histin’ in a shell iv beer in a German Garden; husbands waits in th’ polis station to be r-ready to bail out their wives whin they ’re arrested f’r shoppin’ afther four o’clock; an’ there’s more joy over wan sinner rayturned to th’ station thin f’r ninety an’ nine that’ve rayformed.

“Th’ boss crusader is havin’ th’ time iv his life all th’ while. His pitcher is in th’ papers ivry mornin’ an’ his sermons is a directhry iv places iv amusement. He says to himsilf ‘I am improvin’ th’ wurruld an’ me name will go down to th’ ginerations as th’ greatest vice buster iv th’ cinchry. Whin I get through they won’t be enough crime left in this city to amuse a sthranger fr’m Hannybal Missoury f’r twinty minyits,’ he says. That’s where he’s wrong. Afther awhile people gets tired iv th’ pastime. They want somewhere to go nights. Most people ain’t vicious, Hinnissy, an’ it takes vice to hunt vice. That accounts f’r polismen. Besides th’ horse show or th’ football games or something else excitin’ divarts their attintion an’ wan day th’ boss crusader finds that he’s alone in Sodom. ‘Vice ain’t so bad afther all. I notice business was betther whin ’t was rampant,’ says wan la-ad. ‘Sure ye’re right,’ says another. ‘I haven’t sold a single pink shirt since that man Markers closed th’ faro games,’ says he. ‘Th’ theaytre business ain’t what it was whin they was more vice,’ says another. ‘This ain’t no Connecticut village,’ he says. ‘An’ ’tis no use thryin’ to inthrajooce soomchury ligislation in this impeeryal American city,’ he says, ‘where people come pursooed be th’ sheriff fr’m ivry corner iv th’ wurruld,’ he says. ‘Ye can’t make laws f’r this community that wud suit a New England village,’ he says, ‘where,’ he says, ‘th’ people ar-re too uncivilized to be immoral,’ he says. ‘Vice,’ he says, ‘goes a long way tow’rd makin’ life bearable,’ he says. ‘A little vice now an’ thin is relished be th’ best iv men,’ he says. ‘Who’s this Parkers, annyhow, intherferin’ with th’ liberty iv th’ individooal, an’,’ he says, ‘makin’ it hard to rent houses on th’ side sthreets,’ he says. ‘I bet ye if ye invistigate ye’ll find that he’s no betther thin he shud be himsilf,’ he says. An’ th’ best Parkers gets out iv it is to be able to escape fr’m town in a wig an’ false whiskers. Thin th’ captain iv th’ polis that’s been a spindin’ his vacation in th’ disthrict where a man has to be a Rocky Mountain sheep to be a polisman, returns to his old place, puts up his hat on th’ rack an’ says, ‘Garrity, if annybody calls ye can tell him to put it in an anvelope an’ leave it in me box. An’ if ye’ve got a good man handy I wisht ye’d sind him over an’ have him punch th’ bishop’s head. His grace is gettin’ too gay.’

“An’ there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th’ crusade is over an’ Vice is rampant again. I’m afraid, me la-ad, that th’ frinds iv vice is too sthrong in this wurruld iv sin f’r th’ frinds iv varchue. Th’ good man, th’ crusader, on’y wurruks at th’ crusade wanst in five years, an’ on’y whin he has time to spare fr’m his other jooties. ‘Tis a pastime f’r him. But th’ definse iv vice is a business with th’ other la-ad an’ he nails away at it, week days an’ Sundays, holy days an’ fish days, mornin’, noon an’ night.”

“They ought to hang some iv thim pollyticians,” said Mr. Hennessy angrily.

“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “I don’t know. I don’t expict to gather calla lillies in Hogan’s turnip patch. Why shud I expict to pick bunches iv spotless statesmen fr’m th’ gradooation class iv th’ house iv correction.”

(Mr. Dooley’s Opinions)

”I’ve been up to th’ top iv th’ very highest buildin’ in town, Hinnissy, an’ I wasn’t anny nearer Hivin thin if I was in th’ sthreet. Th’ stars was as far away as iver. An’ down beneath is a lot iv us runnin’ an’ lapin’ an’ jumpin’ about, pushin’ each other over, haulin’ little sthrips iv ir’n to pile up in little buildin’s that ar-re called sky-scrapers but not be th’ sky; wurrukin’ night an’ day to make a masheen that’ll carry us fr’m wan jack-rabbit colony to another an’ yellin’, ‘Pro-gress!’ Pro-gress, oho! I can see th’ stars winkin’ at each other an’ sayin’: ‘Ain’t they funny! Don’t they think they’re playin’ hell!’

”No, sir, masheens ain’t done much f’r man. I can’t get up anny kind iv fam’ly inthrest f’r a steam dredge or a hydhraulic hist. I want to see sky-scrapin’ men. But I won’t. We’re about th’ same hight as we always was, th’ same hight an’ build, composed iv th’ same inflammable an’ perishyable mateeryal, an exthra hazardous risk, unimproved an’ li’ble to collapse. We do make pro-gress but it’s th’ same kind Julyus Caesar made an’ ivry wan has made befure or since an’ in this age iv masheenery we’re still burrid be hand.”

(Mr. Dooley on Machinery)

By Michael Monahan, 1908

The only art I boast is this —
I too have laughed with all the crowd,
When the rich wonder of your wit
Challenged their plaudits loud;

And then, the jester’s role aside,
A finer spirit have I known,
A man with sorrow, too, acquaint,
A brother — yes, mine own.

A look into the merry eyes —
Lo! here are tears unshed
That do not ask a kindred soul
To leave their fountain head.

For you have more than Falstaff’s mirth,
Nor less than Hamlet’s teen;
“Wilt weep for Hecuba ” — and then
With laughter shake the scene.

One of God’s players playing out
With zest a weary part,
Teaching the sad world how to smile
With strokes of genial art;

Launching the scorn that blasts the knave,
The jest that flays the fool,
And by the right divine of wit
Giving a nation rule,

Laugh on, laugh on, dear Wit and Sage,
The roaring crowds above;
Yet keep for your own chosen few
The Poet of their love.

“Well, Chas Wagner has been havin’ th’ fine old time over here,” said Mr. Dooley.

“Is that th’ man that wrote th’ music?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“No,” said Mr. Dooley; “that was Cal. This is Chas Wagner, an’ he’s th’ author iv th’ two hundherd thousandth book that Prisidint Rosenfelt has read since th’ first iv Novimber. ‘Tis called Th’ Simple Life. He cudden’t find it in France, so he come lookin’ f’r it among th’ simple an’ pasthral people in this counthry.

“He found it. He come over in a large but simple ship iv twinty thousan’ simple horse-power, an’ landed in th’ simple village iv New York, where he was met be a comity iv simple little village lads an’ lasses an’ escorted to th’ simple Waldorf an’ installed in a room simply decorated in purple plush. That avenin’ he attinded a meetin’ iv th’ Fifth Avnoo Female Simplicity Club. A lady wearin’ a collar iv dimons, whose value was simply fabulous, recited passages fr’m Th’ Simple Life. Afther this a simple supper iv terrapin an’ champagne was sarved. He thin took a simple Pullman thrain to Wash’nton, where he attinded a rayciption at which a lady iv th’ diplomatic core — which is all that is left iv diplomacy, nowadays — poked th’ wife iv a Congressman with a lorgnette f’r goin’ into supper ahead iv her. Later he was rayceived be th’ simple prisidint, who said to him: ‘Chas,’ he says, ‘I’ve been preachin’ ye’re book to me counthrymen,’ he says. ‘Simplicity an’ a sthrong navy is th’ watchword iv this administhration,’ he says.

“Since thin Chas has been whoopin’ up th’ simple life. They’ve showed him ivrything simple we have. He’s seen th’ subway, th’ dhrainage canal, th’ Stock Exchange, Tom Lawson, Jawn D. Rockefellar, an’ Mrs. Chadwick. He’s looped th’ loops, shot th’ shoots, had a ride in a pathrol-wagon, played th’ races, an’ met Dave Hill. Th’ las’ seen iv him he was climbin’ into a private car in a fur-lined coat an’ a plug hat. Whin he goes home to his simple life in Paris he’s goin’ to have a ticker put in his study. He is undherstood to favor sellin’ copper on bulges.

“I haven’t read his book, but Hogan says it’s a good wan, an’ I’m goin’ to read it afther I’ve read th’ Bible an’ Emerson, which Mike Ahearn ricommended to me th’ year iv th’ big fire. Th’ idee is that no matther what ye ar-re, ye must be simple. If ye’re rich, be simply rich; if ye’re poor, be simply poor; if ye’re nayether, be nayether, but be simple about it. Ye don’t have to be gin’rous to be simple. He makes a sthrong pint iv that. It isn’t nicissry to open ye’er purse, says Chas. If ye’re a miser, be a simple miser. It ain’t issintial to be poor to be simple. A poor man walkin’ th’ sthreet is far less simple thin a rich man lollin’ back in his carriage an’ figurin’ out simple inthrest on his cuff. Th’ poor man is envious iv th’ rich man, but th’ rich man is not envious iv th’ poor man. If ye’re a flower, says he, be a flower; if ye’re a bur-rd, be a bur-rd; if a horse, a horse; if a mule, a mule; if a hummin’-bur-rd, a hummin’bur-rd; if a polecat, a polecat; if a man, a man. But always be simple, be it ever so complex.

“Th’ on’y thing Hogan an’ I can’t make out fr’m th’ book is what is simplicity. I may be a simpleton, Hinnissy, but I don’t know. Father Tom Burke was forty years writin’ a book on ‘simplicity,’ an’ he niver got beyond th’ first sintince, which was: ‘It is simply impossible to define simplicity.’ It ain’t simple to be poor, it ain’t simple to be without clothes, it ain’t simple to be pious or sober. Ye’re pretty simple to believe all I tell ye, but ye may not be as simple as I think an’ hope. A lie may be as simple as th’ thruth. Th’ fact iv th’ matther is that th’ rale thruth is niver simple. What we call thruth an’ pass around fr’m hand to hand is on’y a kind iv a currency that we use f’r convenience. There are a good manny countherfeiters an’ a lot iv th’ countherfeits must be in circulation. I haven’t anny question that I take in manny iv thim over me intellechool bar ivry day, an’ pass out not a few. Some iv th’ countherfeits has as much precious metal in thim as th’ rale goods, on’y they don’t bear th’ govermint stamp.

“What th’ divvle is simplicity, annyhow? Simple is a foolish wurrud whin ye come to think it over. Simple, simple, simple. It’s a kind iv a mixture iv silly an’ dimple. I don’t know how to go about bein’ simple. Th’ Lord didn’t make me that way. I can imagine simplicity, but I can’t just put me hand on it. No more can Chas Wagner. Tell me, Chas how to lead th’ simple life. Tell me, Thaydore Rosenfelt, simple soul, what I must do. I’ll go as far as ye like. Hand out th’ receipt. I’ll make mesilf a simple man if I have to bake in a slow oven to do it. What ‘ll I do? Throw away th’ superflooties, says Hogan out iv Chas, his book. But what ar-re th’ superflooties? I’ll turn out th’ ilicthric light, shut off th’ furnace, an’ desthroy th’ cash raygister be which complex’ macheen I keep mesilf fr’m robbin’ mesilf. But am I anny more simple because I’m holdin’ out on mesilf with frozen fingers be a tallow dip? Was th’ wurruld iver anny more simple thin it is to-day? I doubt it. I bet ye there was a good dale iv talk about Adam an’ Eve dhressin’ ostentatiously an’ havin’ th’ King of Biljum’s ancesthor to supper with thim.

Hogan was readin’ me out iv a book th’ other day about th’ simple fathers iv th’ counthry. It was a turr’ble shock to me. This fellow says that Robert Morris, who I supposed sacrificed his fortune f’r liberty injooced th’ govermint to pay good money f’r bad; Jawn Adams wanted to make a kingdom iv th’ counthry; while as f’r George Wash’nton, he acted like a coal-oil Jawnny whin he wint to th’ White House, an’ his wife put on insuff’rable airs an’ had such bad table manners that this here pathrite was compelled to lave th’ room an’ run home to put it down in his diary.

“An’ there ye ar-re. Th’ more I think th’ less simple simplicity becomes. Says Wagner via Hogan, a man shud be like a lamp, an’ th’ more light he sheds th’ betther man he is. That’s th’ throuble with ivrybody that thries to advise me to be somethin’ I ain’t. Whin I run him into a corner an’ say: ‘Come on now an’ make good. Show me th’ way,’ he tells me I’m a lamp, or a three, or a snowflake blown be th’ winds, or a bur-rd in a gilded cage, or a paint-brush, or a ship, or something else. But says I: ‘I’m none iv these fine things. I’m a kind iv a man, an’ I’m not mintioned in th’ botany or th’ mail ordher list. Tell me what I must do.’ An’ he looks me in th’ eye an’ says he: ‘Be a man.’ An’ there ye ar-re. If a man’s a lamp it’s because he smokes, don’t show up well in th’ sunlight, an’ will wan day be blown out. There ar-re other simple uses f’r lamps besides givin’ light, which is wan iv th’ poorest things they do nowadays. Rothschild thrades in thim, th’ German imp’ror thinks they ar-re on’y useful to throw at his inimies, an’ my business is to fill thim with karosene.

“No, sir, they ain’t anny simple life. There’s on’y life. It’s a kind iv an obstacle race. Sinnin’, repintin’; sinnin’, repintin’. Some can jump high; some can’t jump at all. Thim that jump highest have farthest to fall. Those that go farthest are ruled off f’r foulin’. A man’s no more thin a man, an’ he has as many things in him, anny wan iv thim li’ble to go wrong without a moment’s notice, as all th’ injines, tools, lamps, an’ other hardware figures iv speech in a prize pome. He has to make his clumsy repairs while undher full headway. Lucky man if he staggers into port without havin’ caused too manny shipwrecks on th’ way over. It isn’t th’ most succissful passage that has caused th’ most shipwrecks.

“Ye see, Hinnissy, I’m a kind iv a Chas Wagner mesilf, only betther. He gets his out iv a Fr-rinch head, an’ I got mine out iv th’ Third Reader that a little boy left in here who come f’r a pint iv simple refreshmint f’r his father’s complex thirst.”

“I don’t think ye know such a lot about it,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“I know more about th’ sample life,” said Mr. Dooley.

(Dissertations by Mr. Dooley)

Mr. Dooley was reading from a paper.

“‘We live,’ he says, ‘in an age iv wondhers. Niver befure in th’ histhry iv th’ wurruld has such progress been made.’

“Thrue wurruds an’ often spoken. Even in me time things has changed. Whin I was a la-ad Long Jawn Wintworth cud lean his elbows on th’ highest buildin’ in this town. It took two months to come here fr’m Pittsburg on a limited raft an’ a stage coach that run fr’m La Salle to Mrs. Murphy’s hotel. They wasn’t anny tillygraft that I can raymimber an’ th’ sthreet car was pulled be a mule an’ dhruv be an engineer be th’ name iv Mulligan. We thought we was a pro-grissive people. Ye bet we did. But look at us today. I go be Casey’s house tonight an’ there it is a fine storey-an’-a-half frame house with Casey settin’ on th’ dure shtep dhrinkin’ out iv a pail. I go be Casey’s house to-morrah an’ it’s a hole in th’ groun’. I rayturn to Casey’s house on Thursdah an’ it’s a fifty-eight storey buildin’ with a morgedge onto it an’ they’re thinkin’ iv takin’ it down an’ replacin’ it with a modhren sthructure. Th’ shoes that Corrigan th’ cobbler wanst wurruked on f’r a week, hammerin’ away like a woodpecker, is now tossed out be th’ dozens fr’m th’ mouth iv a masheen. A cow goes lowin’ softly in to Armours an’ comes out glue, beef, gelatine, fertylizer, celooloid, joolry, sofy cushions, hair restorer, washin’ sody, soap, lithrachoor an’ hed springs so quick that while aft she’s still cow, for’ard she may be annything fr’m huttons to Pannyma hats. I can go fr’m Chicago to New York in twinty hours, but I don’t have to, thank th’ Lord. Thirty years ago we thought ’twas marvelous to be able to tillygraft a man in Saint Joe an’ get an answer that night. Now, be wireless tillygraft ye can get an answer befure ye sind th’ tillygram if they ain’t careful. Me friend Macroni has done that. Be manes iv his wondher iv science a man on a ship in mid-ocean can sind a tillygram to a man on shore, if he has a confid’rate on board. That’s all he needs. Be mechanical science an’ thrust in th’ op’rator annywan can set on th’ shore iv Noofoundland an’ chat with a frind in th’ County Kerry.

“Yes, sir, mechanical science has made gr-reat sthrides. Whin I was a young man we used to think Hor’ce Greeley was th’ gr-reatest livin’ American. He was a gran’ man, a gran’ man with feathers beneath his chin an’ specs on his nose like th’ windows in a diver’s hemlet. His pollyticks an’ mine cudden’t live in th’ same neighborhood but he was a gran’ man all th’ same. We used to take th’ Cleveland Plain Daler in thim days f’r raycreation an’ th’ New York Thrybune f’r exercise. ‘Twas considhered a test iv a good natured dimmycrat if he cud read an article in th’ Thrybune without havin’ to do th’ stations iv th’ cross aftherward f’r what he said. I almost did wanst but they was a line at th’ end about a frind iv mine be th’ name iv Andhrew Jackson an’ I wint out an’ broke up a Methodist prayer meetin’. He was th’ boy that cud put it to ye so that if ye voted th’ dimmycrat tickit it was jus’ th’ same as demandin’ a place in purgytory. Th’ farmers wud plant annything fr’m a ruty baga to a congressman on his advice. He niver had money enough to buy a hat but he cud go to th’ sicrety iv th’ threasury an’ tell him who’s pitcher to put on th’ useful valentines we thrade f’r groceries.

“But if Hor’ce Greeley was alive today where’d he be? Settin’ on three inches iv th’ edge iv a chair in th’ outside office iv me frind Pierpont Morgan waitin’ f’r his turn. In th’ line is th’ Imp’ror iv Germany, th’ new cook, th’ prisidint iv a railroad, th’ cap’n iv th’ yacht, Rimbrandt th’ painther, Jawn W. Grates, an’ Hor’ce. Afther awhile th’ boy at th’ dure says: ‘Ye’re next, ol’ party. Shtep lively f’r th’ boss has had a Weehawken Peerooginy sawed off on him this mornin’ an’ he mustn’t he kep’ waitin’.’ An’ th’ iditor goes in. ‘Who ar-re ye?’ says th’ gr-reat man, givin’ him wan iv thim piercin’ looks that whin a man gets it he has to be sewed up at wanst. ‘I’m ye’er iditor,’ says Hor’ce. ‘What’s ye’er spishilty?’ ‘Tahriff an’ th’ improvemint iv th’ wurruld,’ says Hor’ce. ‘See Perkins,’ says Pierpont, an’ th’ intherview is over. Now what’s made th’ change? Mechanical Science, Hinnissy. Some wan made a masheen that puts steel billets within th’ reach iv all. Hince Charlie Schwab.

“What’s it done f’r th’ wurruld? says ye. It’s done ivrything. It’s give us fast ships an’ an autymatic hist f’r th’ hod, an’ small flats an’ a taste iv solder in th’ peaches. If annybody says th’ wurruld ain’t betther off thin it was, tell him that a masheen has been invinted that makes honey out iv pethrolyum. If he asts ye why they ain’t anny Shakesperes today, say: ‘No, but we no longer make sausages he hand.’

“‘Tis pro-gress. We live in a cinchry iv pro-gress an’ I thank th’ Lord I’ve seen most iv it. Man an’ boy I’ve lived pretty near through this wondherful age. If I was proud I cud say I seen more thin Julyus Caesar iver see or cared to. An’ here I am, I’ll not say how old, still pushin’ th’ malt acrost th’ counther at me thirsty counthrymen. All around me is th’ refinemints iv mechanical janius. Instead iv broachin’ th’ beer kag with a club an’ dhrawin’ th’ beer through a fassit as me Puritan forefathers done, I have that wondher iv invintive science th’ beer pump. I cheat mesilf with a cash raygisther. I cut off th’ end iv me good cigar with an injanyous device an’ pull th’ cork out iv a bottle with a conthrivance that wud’ve made that frind that Hogan boasts about, that ol’ boy Archy Meeds, think they was witchcraft in th’ house. Science has been a gr-reat blessin’ to me. But amidst all these granjoors here am I th’ same ol’ antiquated combination iv bellows an’ pump I always was. Not so good. Time has worn me out. Th’ years like little boys with jackknives has carved their names in me top. Ivry day I have to write off something f’r deprecyation. ‘Tis about time f’r whoiver owns me to wurruk me off on a thrust. Mechanical science has done ivrything f’r me but help me. I suppose I ought to feel supeeryor to me father. He niver see a high buildin’ but he didn’t want to. He cudden’t come here in five days but he was a wise man an’ if he cud’ve come in three he’d have stayed in th’ County Roscommon.

“Th’ pa-apers tells me that midical science has kept pace with th’ hop-skip-an’-a-jump iv mechanical inginooty. Th’ doctors has found th’ mickrobe iv ivrything fr’m lumbago to love an’ fr’m jandice to jealousy, but if a brick bounces on me head I’m crated up th’ same as iv yore an’ put away. Rockyfellar can make a pianny out iv a bar’l iv crude ile, but no wan has been able to make a blade iv hair grow on Rockyfellar. They was a doctor over in France that discovered a kind iv a thing that if ’twas pumped into ye wud make ye live till people got so tired iv seein’ ye around they cud scream. He died th’ nex’ year iv premachure ol’ age. They was another doctor cud insure whether th’ flex’ wan wud be a boy or a girl. All ye had to do was to decide wud it be Arthur or Ethel an’ lave him know. He left a fam’ly iv unmarredgeable daughters.

“I sometimes wondher whether pro-gress is anny more thin a kind iv a shift. It’s like a merry-go-round. We get up on a speckled wooden horse an’ th’ mechanical pianny plays a chune an’ away we go, hollerin’. We think we’re thravellin’ like th’ divvle but th’ man that doesn’t care about merry-go-rounds knows that we will come back where we were. We get out dizzy an’ sick an’ lay on th’ grass an’ gasp: ‘Where am I? Is this th’ meelin-yum?’ An’ he says: ‘No, ’tis Ar-rchey Road.’ Father Kelly says th’ Agyptians done things we cudden’t do an’ th’ Romans put up sky-scrapers an’ aven th’ Chinks had tillyphones an’ phony-grafts.

“I’ve been up to th’ top iv th’ very highest buildin’ in town, Hinnissy, an’ I wasn’t anny nearer Hivin thin if I was in th’ sthreet. Th’ stars was as far away as iver. An’ down beneath is a lot iv us runnin’ an’ lapin’ an’ jumpin’ about, pushin’ each other over, haulin’ little sthrips iv ir’n to pile up in little buildin’s that ar-re called sky-scrapers but not be th’ sky; wurrukin’ night an’ day to make a masheen that’ll carry us fr’m wan jack-rabbit colony to another an’ yellin’, ‘Pro-gress!’ Pro-gress, oho! I can see th’ stars winkin’ at each other an’ sayin’: ‘Ain’t they funny! Don’t they think they’re playin’ hell!’

“No, sir, masheens ain’t done much f’r man. I can’t get up anny kind iv fam’ly inthrest f’r a steam dredge or a hydhraulic hist. I want to see sky-scrapin’ men. But I won’t. We’re about th’ same hight as we always was, th’ same hight an’ build, composed iv th’ same inflammable an’ perishyable mateeryal, an exthra hazardous risk, unimproved an’ li’ble to collapse. We do make pro-gress but it’s th’ same kind Julyus Caesar made an’ ivry wan has made befure or since an’ in this age iv masheenery we’re still burrid be hand.”

“What d’ye think iv th’ man down in Pinnsylvanya who says th’ Lord an’ him is partners in a coal mine?” asked Mr. Hennessy, who wanted to change the subject.

“Has he divided th’ profits?” asked Mr. Dooley.

(Observations by Mr. Dooley)

“‘Well,’ says I, ‘Cassidy,’ I says, ‘ye’ve been up again what th’ pa-apers call hawt finance,’ I says. ‘What th’ divvle’s that?’ says he. ‘Well,’ says I, ‘it ain’t burglary, an’ it ain’t obtainin’ money be false pretinses, an’ it ain’t manslaughter,’ I says. ‘It’s what ye might call a judicious seliction fr’m th’ best features iv thim ar-rts,’ I says.” (Mr. Dooley’s Philosophy)

“What d’ye think iv th’ war?” Mr. Hennessy asked.

“I think I want to go out an’ apologize to Shafter,” said Mr. Dooley.

“I’m like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin’ glass balls. I niver thought iv th’ glass balls thrainin’ a dinnymite gun on me. ‘Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy as a target. If ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We’re like people that dhreams iv fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man I niver saw befure comes up an’ says something mane to me, that I can’t raymimber, an’ I climb into him an’ ’tis all over in a minyit. He niver hits me, or if he does I don’t feel it. I put him on his back an’ bate him to death. An’ thin I help mesilf to his watch an’ chain an’ me frinds come down an’ say, ‘Martin, ye haven’t a scratch,’ an’ con-grathlate me, an’ I wandher ar-roun’ th’ sthreets with a chip on me shoulder till I look down an’ see that I haven’t a stitch on me but a short shirt. An’ thin I wake up. Th’ list iv knock-outs to me credit in dhreams wud make Fitzsimmons feel poor. But ne’er a wan iv thim was printed in th’ pa-apers.”

“‘Tis so with me frinds, th’ hands acrost th’ sea. They wint to sleep an’ had a dhream. An’ says they: ‘We will sind down to South Africa thim gallant throops that have won so manny hard-fought reviews,’ they says, ‘captained,’ they says, ‘be th’ flower iv our aristocracy,’ they says. ‘An’ whin th’ Boers come out ar-rmed with rollin’ pins an’ bibles,’ they says, ‘We’ll just go at thim,’ they says, ‘an’ walk through thim an’ that night we’ll have a cotillyon at Pretoria to which all frinds is invited,’ they says. An’ so they deposit their intellects in th’ bank at home, an’ th’ absent-minded beggars goes out in thransports iv pathreetism an’ pothry. An’ they’se a meetin’ iv th’ cabinet an’ ’tis decided that as th’ war will on’y las’ wan week ’twill be well f’r to begin renamin’ th’ cities iv th’ Thransvaal afther pop’lar English statesmen — Joechamberlainville an’ Rhodesdorp an’ Beitfontein. F’r they have put their hands to th’ plough an’ th’ sponge is squeezed dhry, an’ th’ sands iv th’ glass have r-run out an’ th’ account is wiped clean.”

“An’ what’s th’ Boer doin’ all this time? What’s me frind th’ Boer doin’. Not sleepin’, Hinnissy, mind ye. He hasn’t anny dhreams iv conquest. But whin a man with long whiskers comes r-ridin’ up th’ r-road an’ says: ‘Jan Schmidt or Pat O’Toole or whativer his name is, ye’re wanted at th’ front,’ he goes home an’ takes a rifle fr’m th’ wall an’ kisses his wife an’ childher good-bye an’ puts a bible in th’ tails iv his coat an’ a stovepipe hat on his head an’ thramps away. An’ his wife says: ‘Good-bye, Jan. Don’t be long gone an’ don’t get shooted.’ An’ he says: ‘Not while I’ve got a leg undher me an’ a rock in front iv me,’ he says. I tell ye, Hinnissy, ye can’t beat a man that fights f’r his home an’ counthry in a stovepipe hat. He might be timpted f’r to come out fr’m cover f’r his native land, but he knows if he goes home to his wife with his hat mussed she won’t like it, an’ so he sets behind a rock an’ plugs away. If th’ lid is knocked off he’s fatally wounded.”

“What’s th’ raysult, Hinnissy? Th’ British marches up with their bands playin’ an’ their flags flyin’. An’ th’ Boers squat behind a bouldher or a three or set comfortable in th’ bed iv a river an’ bang away. Their on’y thradition is that it’s betther to be a live Boer thin a dead hero, which comes, perhaps, to th’ same thing. They haven’t been taught f’r hundherds iv years that ’tis a miracle f’r to be an officer an’ a disgrace to be a private sojer. They know that if they’re kilt they’ll have their names printed in th’ pa-apers as well as th’ Markess iv Doozleberry that’s had his eyeglass shot out. But they ain’t lookin’ f’r notoriety. All they want is to get home safe, with their counthry free, their honor protected an’ their hats in good ordher. An’ so they hammer away an’ th’ inimy keeps comin’, an’ th’ varyous editions iv th’ London pa-apers printed in this counthry have standin’ a line iv type beginnin’, ‘I regret to state.’”

“All this, Hinnissy, comes fr’m dhreamin’ dhreams. If th’ British had said, ‘This unclean an’ raypeecious people that we’re against is also very tough. Dirty though they be, they’ll fight. Foul though their nature is, they have ca’tridges in their belts. This not bein’ England an’ th’ inimy we have again us not bein’ our frinds, we will f’rget th’ gloryous thraditions iv th’ English an’ Soudan ar-rmies an’ instead iv r-rushin’ on thim sneak along yon kindly fence an’ hit thim on th’ back iv th’ neck,’ — they’d be less, ‘I r-regret-to-states’ and more ‘I’m plazed-to-reports.’ They wud so, an’ I’m a man that’s been through columns an’ columns iv war. Ye’ll find, Hinnissy, that ’tis on’y ar-rmies fights in th’ open. Nations fights behind threes an’ rocks. Ye can put that in ye’re little book. ‘Tis a sayin’ I made as I wint along.”

“We done th’ same way oursilves,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“We did that,” said Mr. Dooley. “We were in a dhream, too. Th’ on’y thing is th’ other fellow was in a thrance. We woke up first. An’ anny-how I’m goin’ to apologize to Shafter. He may not have anny medals f’r standin’ up in range iv th’ guns but, be hivins, he niver dhrove his buckboard into a river occypied be th’ formerly loathed Castile.”

(Mr. Dooley’s Philosophy)

“What ar-re ye readin’?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“A comical little piece in th’ Sunday pa-aper on th’ Descent iv Man,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ye get a good dale iv knowledge out iv th’ pa-apers whin ye’re not lookin’ f’r it, an’ a fellow that’s paid five cents to find out where Gyp th’ Blood spint his vacation, if he doesn’t stop there but goes on r-readin’, is li’ble to end up as an idjacated man.

“Maybe ye’d like me to read ye something out iv this here fable in slang. Well, thin, listen to th’ pro-fissor: ‘Such habits not on’y tended to develop the motor cortex itsilf,’ he says, ‘but thrained th’ tactile an’ th’ kin — th’ kin — I’ll spell it f’r ye — k-i-n-a-e-st-h-e-t-i-c — pronounce anny way ye plaze — senses an’ linked up their cortical areas in bonds iv more intimate assocyations withth’ visyool cortex —’”

“What kind iv a language is that?” Mr. Hennessy interrupted.

“It’s scientific language,” said Mr. Dooley. “I’ve been thryin’ to wurruk it out mesilf with th’ aid iv a ditchnry, but I cudden’t put it together till Dock O’Leary, who’s great at these puzzle pitchers, come in. Fr’m what he said I guess that th’ pro-fissor that wrote it meant to say that th’ raison man is betther thin th’ other animals is because iv what’s in his head. I suspicted as much befure an’ have often said so. But nobody has iver ast me to go befure a larned society an’ have me chest dhraped with medals f’r sayin’ it. I cudden’t fill up me time on th’ program. All I cud say wud be: ‘Fellow pro-fissors, th’ thing that give ye an’, me a shade over th’ squrl an’ th’ grasshopper is that we have more marrow in th’ bean. Thankin’ ye again f’r ye’er kind attintion, I will now lave ye while ye thranslate this almost onfathomable thought into a language that on’y a dhrug clerk can undherstand.’

“Fr’m what Dock O’Leary says, this here profissor has seen Darwin an’ histed him a couple iv billyon years. If ye’d like to hear about it I’ll tell ye. Well, thin, it was this way: Some time befure th’ big fire, whin I was wurrukin’ f’r Mullaney, th’ conthractor, dhrivin’ a team, a fellow be th’ name iv Darwin come along an’ made a monkey iv man. He showed that th’ principal diff’rence between us an’ th’ little frinds iv Italy was that we had lost our tails. We had to lave th’ old entailed estates an’ th’ ancesthral bamboo threes where our fam’ly had spint so many happy millyons iv years an’ come down to earth an’ be men. Our first ancestor had his tail docked, an’, havin’ lost this here member which was at wanst his manes iv rapid thransit an’ his aisy chair, th’ old gintleman cud no longer swing fr’m th’ branch iv th’ three an’ amuse th’ childher be pickin’ things off thim, but had to go to wurruk. In ordher to apply f’r a job he was forced to larn to walk an’ to talk. He manicured his front feet an’ made hands iv thim, an’, so he cud win th’ affections iv th’ fair, he was compelled to shed his comfortable an’ nachral hairy coat an’ buy clothes. Th’ fam’ly all took afther th’ old man an’ improved on him through th’ cinchries, till to-day ye have th’ magnificent jooks ye see all ar-round ye, dhressed up in quare garmints, puttin’ on supeeryor airs, wearin’ crowns, runnin’ f’r office, killin’ each other, dancin’ th’ turkey throt, an’ gin’rally behavin’ so foolish that whin th’ father iv a fam’ly iv monkeys sees a human bein’ comin’ along in th’ woods he calls out: ‘Mother, bring th’ little wans to th’ end iv this branch. Here comes wan iv our poor relations who has to wurruk f’r a livin’. He wud’ve been just as well off as we ar-re if his fam’ly hadn’t squandered their tails. Dhrop a cocynut on his head an’ see him jump. Ain’t he the funny sight?’

“I can well remimber how hot ivrybody was agan Darwin on account iv what he wrote. Nobody had been very proud iv Adam as an ancesthor, but still ye cud put up with him if ye took into account that he was dalin’ with new problems an’ was th’ first married man. But it hurted a good manny proud people to think that but f’r th’ luck iv th’ game they might all be up in Lincoln park makin’ faces through th’ glass at little boys an’ girls. So Darwin was excymunicated fr’m manny a church that he’d niver been in, an’ expelled fr’m th’ Knights iv Pythias, an’ gin’rally threated as he desarved f’r a long time. But afther awhile people begun to take more kindly to th’ idee an’ to say: ‘Well, annyhow, it’s more comfortable to feel that we’re a slight improvement on a monkey thin such a fallin’ off fr’m th’ angels. F’r awhile it looked as though we weren’t holdin’ our own. But now it looks as if we are on our way,’ an’ thought no more about it. An’ th’ monkeys had no access to th’ press, so they cudden’t write in kickin’ letthers signed ‘Indignant Monkey’ or th’ like iv that.

“But this pro-fissor has gone further thin Darwin in pursooin’ our lineege down to its disgraceful start. He has run acrost a lot iv old town records, marredge certyficates, birth registhers, an’ so on an’ has discovered that our original proginitor, th’ boy that give us our push tords respectability, th’ first mimber iv th’ fam’ly that moved uptown, th’ survivor iv th’ Fort Dearborn massacree, th’ pilgrim father that came out iv th’ jungle, th’ foundher iv th’ fam’ly fortune was — what d’ye think? Ye’ll niver guess if I give ye a thousand guesses. It was th’ jumpin’ shrew iv South America. It’s as I tell ye. Here ye see it in black an’ white befure ye’er eyes: ‘Man descinded fr’m th’ jumpin’ shrew.’ Hence our sunny dispositions an’ th’ presint campaign. I niver cud undherstand why if mankind come down fr’m th’ monkey we weren’t more janyal. But now I know. It’s th’ old shrew blood that still coorses through our veins that makes us so cross with each other.

“Yes, sir; this la-ad with th’ aid iv a microscope, a knife, an’ perhaps a dhream book has thraced us back to this inthrestin’ little crather. Prob’ly ye niver see a jumpin’ shrew. Ye wudden’t? There ar-re very few jumpin’ shrews in this neighborhood. But back in th’ old estate in South Africa they ar-re numerous an’ highly respicted. Manny iv th’ mimbers iv th’ original branch iv our fam’ly still live in th’ homes iv our ancistors an’ keep up th’ thraditional customs like th’ old fam’lies iv Boston. This scientific dock gives us a plazin’ pitcher iv their lives. ‘These three shrews,’ says he, ‘ar-re small squrl like animals which feed on insects an’ fruit. Whin feedin’ they often set on their haunches, holdin’ their food, afther th’ manner iv squrls, in their front paws.’ There, Hinnissy, ye have a view iv ye’ersilf as ye were befure th’ flood. Ye’ve often told me ye were descinded fr’m th’ kings iv Ireland, an’ manny is th’ time I’ve wondhered how ye’d look in a soot iv ir’n an’ bull skin, settin’ on a horse, holdin’ on to th’ mane with wan hand an’ to a spear with th’ other. But I injye more th’ thought iv ye still further back, perched on th’ branch iv a three makin’ a light lunch iv a peanut an’ an ant. Some day I’m goin’ to take a stepladdher an’ go to South Africa an’ visit these relations iv ye’ers an’ mine. An’ why not? If a man be the name iv Jones will spind money thryin’ to prove that he’s descinded fr’m a cillibrated holdup man iv th’ same name in th’ reign iv Queen Elizabeth why shudden’t he look up his rilitives, th’ jumpin’ shrews iv South Africa, an’ be took over th’ fam’ly risidence be a caretaker, f’r a shillin’, an’ see where th’ ol’ jook died defindin’ his threasures iv huckleberries an’ weevils against th’ night attack iv th’ ant eater an’ th’ banded armydillo? Tell me why. An’ why, now that this prof has thraced out th’ line, shuden’t we resume th’ fam’ly name? Be rights we’d all be called jumpin’ shrews. There’s a chance f’r a hyphen there that manny a mimber iv th’ stock exchange wud welcome.

“But I don’t think this here prof wint far enough in lookin’ f’r our start. Th’ jumpin’ shrews ar-re all right enough, but what come befure them? Accordin’ to this article it’s har’ly thirty billyon years since this gallant little fellow first hopped up a three. Ar-re we to f’rget our arlier ancestors? What about th’ patient lobster, th’ ca’m eyesther, th’ cheerful jelly fish, an’ back through th’ cinchries th’ first onobtrusive microbe, an’ befure that th’ vigeytables, an’ befure thim th’ mud at th’ bottom iv th’ sea? Rash, upstart jumpin’ shrew, d’ye niver ralize that it’s an own cousin ye’re atin’ fried on th’ beefsteak an’ maybe a shovelful iv th’ original stock ye’re hurlin’ into th’ barrow to give a ride down to th’ dump?

“But don’t feel bad about it. There’s always wan encouragin’ thing about th’ sad scientific facts that comes out ivry week in th’ pa-apers. They’re usually not thrue. I know there niver was a Dooley that lived in a three, because I niver see wan that cud climb a three. An’ annyhow I don’t care. Divvle th’ bit iv attintion I give to a fellow lookin’ at a glass iv wather through an eyeglass an’ guessin’ what happened in South Africa eighty-three billyon years ago. Mind ye, I don’t blame this dock f’r thryin’ to make us all — th’ Dooleys, an’ th’ Honezollerns, an’ th’ Vere de Veres — members iv th’ same fam’ly. His name is Smith. But if he’d f’rget about th’ origin iv th’ race an’ tell us not where man comes fr’m but where he’s goin’ to I’d take an intherpeter aroun’ an’ listen to him.”

“These men ar-re inimies iv religion,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“P’raps,” said Mr. Dooley. “But they’ll niver be dangerous ontil some wan comes along an’ thranslates their lectures into English. An’ I don’t think there’s a chance that cud be done.”

(Mr. Dooley on Making a Will and Other Necessary Evils)

“A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that foresees throuble. No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that prophesized pleasant days. A successful weather prophet is wan that predicts thunder storms, hurrycanes an’ earthquakes; a good financial prophet is wan that predicts panics; a pollytickal prophet must look into th’ tea leaves an’ see th’ institutions iv th’ wurruld cracked wide open an’ th’ smiling not to say grinnin’, fields iv this counthry iv ours or somebody’s laid waste with fire and soord. Hogan’s that kind iv a prophet. I’m onhappy about to-day but cheerful about to-morrah. Hogan is th’ happyest man in th’ wurruld about to-day but to-morrah something is goin’ to happen. I hate to-day because to-morrah looks so good. He’s happy to-day because it is so pleasant compared with what to-morrah is goin’ to be. Says I: ‘Cheer up; well have a good time at th’ picnic next Saturdah’. Says he: ‘It will rain at th’ picnic.'” (Mr. Dooley Says)

“Did ye iver see a man as proud iv annything as Hogan is iv that kid iv his?” said Mr. Dooley.

“Wait till he’s had iliven,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“Oh, iv coorse,” said Mr. Dooley. “Ye have contimpt f’r an amachoor father that has on’y wan offspring. An ol’ profissyonal parent like ye, that’s practically done nawthin’ all ye’er life but be a father to helpless childher, don’t understand th’ emotions iv th’ author iv a limited edition. But Hogan don’t care. So far as I am able to judge fr’m what he says, his is th’ on’y perfect an’ complete child that has been projooced this cinchry. He looks on you th’ way Hinnery James wud look on Mary Jane Holmes.

“I wint around to see this here projidy th’ other day. Hogan met me at th’ dure. ‘Wipe off ye’er feet” says he ‘Why, says I. ‘Baby,’ says he. “Mickrobes,’ he says. He thin conducted me to a basin iv water, an’ insthructed me to wash me hands in a preparation iv carbolic acid. Whin I was thurly perfumed he inthrajooced me to a toothless ol’ gintleman who was settin’ up in a cradle atin’ his right foot. ‘Ain’t he fine? says Hogan. ‘Wondherful,’ says I. ‘Did ye iver see such an expressyon?” says he. ‘Niver,’ says I, ‘as Hiven is me judge, niver!’ ‘Look at his hair’, he says. ‘I will’, says I. ‘Ain’t his eyes beautiful?’ ‘They ar-re,’ I says. ‘Ar-re they glass or on’y imitation? says I. ‘An’ thim cunning little feet,’ says he. ‘On close inspiction,’ says I, ‘yes, they ar-re. They ar’re feet. Ye’er offspring don’t know it, though. He thinks that wan is a doughnut.’ ‘He’s not as old as he looks,’ says Hogan. ‘He cudden’t be,’ says I. ‘He looks old enough to be a Dimmycratic candydate f’r Vice-Prisidint. Why, he’s lost most iv his teeth,’ I says. ‘Go wan,’ says he; ‘he’s just gettin’ thim. He has two uppers an’ four lowers,’ he says. ‘If he had a few more he’d be a sleepin’-car,’ says I. ‘Does he speak?’ says I. ‘Sure,’ says Hogan ‘Say poppa,’ he says. “Gah”, says young Hogan. ‘Hear that?’ says Hogan; ‘that’s poppa. Say momma,’ says he. “Gah”, says th’ projidy. ‘That’s momma,’ says Hogan. “See, here’s Misther Dooley”, says he. “Blub”, says th’ phenomynon. ‘Look at that,’ says Hogan; ‘he knows ye,’ he says.

“Well, ye know, Hinnissy, wan iv th’ things that has made me popylar in th’ ward is that I make a bluff at adorin’ childher. Between you an’ me, ’d as lave salute a dish-rag as a recent infant, but I always do it. So I put on an allurin’ smile, an’ says I, ‘Well, little ol’ goozy goo, will he give his Dooleyums a kiss?’ At that minyit Hogan seized me be th’ collar an’ dhragged me away fr’m th’ cradle. ‘Wud ye kill me child?’ says he. ‘How?’ says I. ‘With a kiss’, says he. ‘Am I that bad?’ says I. ‘Don’t ye know that there ar-re mickrobes that can be thransmitted to an infant in a kiss?’ says he. ‘Well’, says I, with indignation, ‘I’m not proud iv mesilf as an antiseptic American’, I says, ‘but in an encounther between me an’ that there young cannibal,’ I says, ‘I’ll lave it to th’ board iv health who takes th’ biggest chance,’ I says, an’ we wint out, followed be a howl fr’m th’ projidy. ‘He’s singin’? says Hogan. ‘He has lost his notes,’ says I.

“Whin we got down-stairs Hogan give me a lecture on th’ bringin’ up iv childher. As though I needed it, me that’s been consulted on bringin’ up half th’ childher in Archey Road. ‘In th’ old days,’ says he, ‘childher was brought up catch-as-catch-can,’ he says. ‘But it’s diff’rent now. They’re as carefully watched as a geeranyum in a consarvatory’, he says. ‘I have a book here on th’ subjick,’ he says. ‘Here it is. Th’ first thing that shud be done f’r a child is to deprive it iv its parents. Th’ less th’ infant sees iv poppa an momma th’ betther fr him. If they ar-re so base as to want to look at th’ little darlin’ they shud first be examined be a competent physician to see that there is nawthin’ wrong with thim that they cud give th’ baby. They will thin take a bath iv sulphuric acid, an’ havin’ carefully, attired thimsilves in a sturlized rubber suit, they will approach within eight feet iv th’ objeck iv their ignoble affection an’ lave at wanst. In no case must they kiss, hug, or fondle their projiny. Manny diseases, such as lumbago, pain in th’ chest, premachoor baldness, senile decrepitude, which are privalent among adults, can be communicated to a child fr’m th’ parent. Besides, it is bad f’r th’ moral nature iv th’ infant. Affection f’r its parents is wan iv th’ mos’ dangerous symptoms iv rickets. Th’ parents may not be worthy iv th’ love iv a thurly sturlized child. An infant’s first jooty is to th’ docthor, to whom it owes its bein’ an’ stayin’. Childher ar-re imitative, an’ if they see much iv their parents they may grow up to look like thim. That wud be a great misfortune. If parents see their childher befure they enther Harvard they ar-re f’rbidden to teach thim foolish wurruds like “poppa ” an’ “momma.” At two a properly brought up child shud be able to articulate distinctly th’ wurrud “Docthor Bolt on th’ Care an’ Feedin’ iv Infants,” which is betther thin sayin’ “momma,” an’ more exact.

“’Gr-reat care shud be taken iv th’ infant’s food. Durin’ th’ first two years it shud have nawthin’ but milk. At three a little canary-bur-rd seed can be added. At five an egg ivry other Choosdah. At siven an orange. At twelve th’ child may ate a shredded biscuit. At forty th’ little tot may have stewed prunes. An’ so on. At no time, howiver, shud th’ child be stuffed with greengages, pork an’ beans, onions, Boston baked brown-bread, saleratus biscuit, or other food.

“’It’s wondherful’, says Hogan, ‘how they’ve got it rayjooced to a science. They can almost make a short baby long or a blond baby black be addin’ to or rayjoocin’ th’ amount iv protides an’ casens in th’ milk,’ he says. ‘Haven’t ye iver kissed ye’er young?’ says I. ‘Wanst in awhile,’ he says, ‘whin I’m thurly disinfected I go up an’ blow a kiss at him through th’ window,’ he says.

“’Well,’ says I, ‘it may be all right,’ I says, ‘but if I cud have a son an’ heir without causin’ talk I bet ye I’d not apply f’r a permit fr’m th’ health boord fr him an’ me to come together. Parents was made befure childher, annyhow, an’ they have a prire claim to be considhered. Sure, it may be a good thing to bring thim up on a sanitary plan, but it seems to me they got along all right in th’ ol’ days whin number two had just larned to fall down-stairs at th’ time number three entered th’ wurruld. Maybe they were sthronger thin they ar-re now. Th’ docthor niver pretinded to see whether th’ milk was properly biled. He cudden’t very well. Th’ childher was allowed to set up at th’ table an’ have a good cup iv tay an’ a pickle at two. If there was more thin enough to go around, they got what nobody else wanted. They got plenty iv fresh air playin’ in alleys an’ vacant lots, an’ ivry wanst in a while they were allowed to go down an’ fall into th’ river. No attintion was paid to their dite. Th’ prisint race iv heroes who are now startlin’ th’ wurrould in finance, polytics, th’ arts an’ sciences, burglary, an’ lithrachoor, was brought up on wathermillon rinds, specked apples, raw onions stolen fr’m th’ grocer, an’ cocoa-nut-pie. Their nursery was th’ back yard. They larned to walk as soon as they were able, an’ if they got bow-legged ivrybody said they wud be sthrong men. As f’r annybody previntin’ a fond parent fr’m comin’ home Saturdah night an’ wallowin’ in his beaucheous child, th’ docthor that suggisted it wud have to move. No, sir,’ says I, ‘get as much amusemint as ye can out iv ye’er infant,’ says I. ‘Teach him to love ye now,’ I says, ‘before he knows. Afther a while he’ll get onto ye an’ it ll be too late?’”

“Ye know a lot about it,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“I do,” said Mr. Dooley, “Not bein’ an author, I’m a gr-reat critic.”

(Dissertations by Mr. Dooley)